Yesterday morning my phone rang a little before 7. I wasn't quite awake and looked at it, it said Ron Farnsworth (my brother in Alaska) and I thought he was just calling to say Happy New year or something so I didn't answer it right away (not really awake and things weren't too clear). Then he called again so I knew I better come to and answer it. He asked if he was my wake up call and I said yes, but it was okay because Dave's alarm had just gone off. Then he proceeded to tell me the terrible news. His daughter Megan's little boy William (age 4) got hold of a gun and had shot himself the evening before. Ron was just crying and telling me how the grief was so unbearable. I felt so bad. I couldn't even imagine what they were all going through! He told me a little about sweet William and how loving and sweet he was. He told me that a car accident or an illness you are a little more equipped to handle, but there was just nothing in you to deal with something like this. He and Karen were getting ready to get on a plane and go over to Bethel (where Megan and Edwin live). I told him I would put names in the temple and I would call Eric (Eric hadn't answered his phone either, but he was in the shower!). I sent a text to Steve and said I was sure he probably doesn't pray and that he probably wouldn't especially for his brother (they have had a falling out and don't speak) but that I thought he should know what happened and the grief they are going through. Steve called Eric later and said he got a text from "someone in Utah" he hadn't recognized my number. He got more details from Eric and then the interesting thing was that he asked Eric if Megan and Edwin had been married in the temple. When Eric said they had, Steve's response was something like, "Well, then they have that." After all these years away from the church, he still knew something about eternal families and remembered it! I find that so interesting. Anyway, Ron sounded so broken hearted on the phone and it broke my heart to think of the pain they were all going through. It was all I could think about all day. And when I tried to sleep last night, my heart actually felt heavy in my chest. Whenever I moved or turned, I could feel it. I don't know how to explain it but it literally felt heavy. My thoughts and prayers have been totally for the family in Alaska. Such a tragedy. How thankful I am for knowing the plan of salvation, but how to get through day to day with the grief? One of the trials of mortal life. Megan had posted this sweet picture and thoughts on facebook (without saying what had happened) and my heart just hurt for them all. Aimee (Ron's daughter who lives in Washington D.C.) sent us an email telling the whole story today. I hope they can feel our love all the way from Utah.
To my little knight in
shining armor:
I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream. I know you, that gleam in your
eye is so familiar a gleam. And I know it's true that visions are seldom all
they seem - but if I know you, I know what you'll do - you'll love me at once,
the way you did once upon a dream.
I will walk again with you in heaven. This
life is long for us, but this place is not our home. It will be a blink of an
eye for you until we are together again, my baby.
Aimee's email:
Hey everyone, I just wanted to give you a heads up. My little sister Megan's sweet little boy, William, her oldest (4 yrs) son, died last night from an accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound. Saying that we're all beside ourselves with grief is putting it mildly. Our hearts are torn in two, ripped wide open. We didn't have very many details until now, and all of this information has been passed to me through various channels, but it was declared by the investigator today that it was indeed an accident, stressing that is was not any criminal negligence or poor choices or anything like that. Edwin's mom had been staying with them for the holidays, and as she had just had hip surgery, it was easier for her to sleep on their (higher) bedroom mattress and for Meg and Edwin to sleep on a mattress on the floor in the living room. Edwin has a routine of wearing a personal gun as well as his state trooper one throughout the day. When he goes to bed, he takes it off to sleep and keeps it in his nightstand next to him, and first thing in the morning, he puts it on, walks the dog and goes to work. He wears it all day long. Because they were out of their usual routine, sleeping in the living room, he was keeping it on a shelf in the living room, but happened to wake up late for work yesterday morning and left it there by accident as he rushed to work. William and Libby had been out sledding and came in to warm up. Megan was in the kitchen with Ruth, her MIL, making dinner. They sent the kids into the living room to play (you can see the living room from the kitchen since it has an open window bar, so the news articles coming out right now saying that he was playing alone with the gun are worded really poorly). They heard a loud pop and thought it was a balloon or electrical shock from the entertainment center, and Megan turned in time to see William get thrown back. She ran to him screaming and cradled him in her arms. She knew immediately (probably from her nursing skills) that he was already gone, yet his body continued to breathe and move because of brain and nerve damage. She was still holding him when the medics came and took him away. She's really distraught that, (probably just following protocol), they put him on the stretcher and covered him with the sheet and wouldn't let her ride in the ambulance even though she'd already seen the worst. She just wanted to hold him until he stopped moving (though a medical friend of mine insists that may have taken several hours). Her experience was very traumatic. I have no idea how she's holding it together as well as she is. Edwin was out on a snow machine with another trooper at work, about 3 miles away from their village (Bethel) when his buddy got the call to return immediately to their trooper housing. When Edwin found out what happened, he threw himself on the floor and screamed so loud. I think the ambulance had already gone--he didn't get to see William one last time. William's body is being life flighted tonight to Anchorage, weather permitting, since Megan and Edwin agreed to allow his organs to be harvested. They're hoping to have the funeral this Saturday. The three of us in DC are getting on a flight Thursday night. My parents flew to Bethel this morning to help them pack so they can come back to Wasilla (whether or not they're planning on moving there for good I'm not sure).
My dad called last night to tell me about it as best he could through his sobs. I've never heard him cry like that before. I probably only slept for about three half hours last night and am hopefully exhausted enough to sleep tonight. We're all just feeling nauseous and still in a state of shock and disbelief. It's all so horrible. Edwin is beating himself up over it and we're all just trying to help them and my parents make it through this. My dad asked Edwin if he blames his mother for coming to stay and upsetting their routine, since that is essentially what led to this domino effect of events that created the perfect storm. Of course Edwin does not blame her--that would be ridiculous. So my dad pointed out that, for the same reason, he really can't blame himself. It was just a really, truly horrible accident.
I keep thinking of how much we're going to miss him, and at the same time feeling peace, knowing that this is all part of God's plan for our family, just as it would be should Andrew or Lilyanne be taken from me. I am so grateful for the gospel and for a knowledge of the plan of salvation. I know they will be able to finish the job they started, of raising their sweet little boy. They will be granted every blessing they have been so suddenly denied. I know that we'll all be able to snuggle him again and that Lilyanne and all the cousins will play together again. It's just that we're going to have to wait a long time. Right now is our dark night of the soul, truly. This next year is going to be pretty rough for the Farnsworth family as we try to push forward. Megan and Edwin are amazing and I know they're going to pull through this. We all are. I haven't had a chance to talk with Megan or Edwin yet, or even my mom. I've just been keeping in touch with my dad, who's at their home right now helping to clean up. There was fortunately not a lot to clean up, as most of of the mess (for lack of better terminology) was on the mattress, and the police doing the investigation had at least balled most of that up. It all still feels surreal
Last night, in my fits of crying and sleep, I kept thinking of that painting with the angels in a big group swooping in overhead of Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus (The Nativity by Brian Kershisnik). All night and into today I've been praying that Megan and Edwin can feel the presence of the angels there with them. I know they're there. I know they're here too. I know it--I just wish I could feel their presence besides knowing it. But at least I know it. They are surrounding us and bearing us up. I keep asking God to send more. It's really amazing how fast your whole world can be turned upside down. Luckily, we found out about this while Andrew had his days off, so he's here taking care of me, as is our ward. I am so thankful for my knowledge of eternal families and knowing that our little William is a perfect, celestial being. We only need to strive to be more perfected during this lifetime so that we may be worthy of being with him again. And no matter how long and dark this night, daylight will always follow. I have that assurance through my savior, Jesus Christ.
Thank you for all your prayers. I love you all, and just wanted you to get some details.
